Chronic Illness and Relationships — Is It Possible?

Dating is hard, y’all! Dating with a chronic illness is especially difficult. Now, after several years on the scene and a string of minor relationships, I’ve figured out a few things. I know how to flirt for one thing—this took me longer to master than I like to admit—but some intersections of my dating life and my illness still trip me up.

When To Disclose Your Illness
I never know when to tell potential dates about my illness. People in my life that I’m not interested in dating I tell pretty much immediately. It’s relevant information and it cuts down on the concerned stares when I start coughing my head off. However, telling someone you are interested in kissing later that you’re a walking disease bag tends to be a turn off. I’ve told guys before the first date, on the first date, and after. And I have yet to find the optimum time to “out” myself with Cystic Fibrosis. For that matter, I haven’t even perfected a technique of HOW to disclose. Do I pop my pills in front of them and wait for them to ask? Should I just charge ahead and slip it in somewhere between my favorite book and my current career goals? Let me know your secrets for telling dates about your illness!

Being Ill Limits Your Activities
This can be relatively minor in the short-term. Hey! It’s even a great excuse to stay in and binge-watch Netflix while you snuggle! But, if your illness makes you too tired to go out most weekends and the person you’re seeing is very social—and thus resents having to stay in and keep you company when they could be hitting up the club—it can lead to problems. In addition, being sick obviously zaps your energy for other activities as well. 😉 Fatigue can definitely lead to a decreased sex drive. I, for one, had zero interest in sexy times with a former boyfriend after three weeks of IV meds and an emergency room admit to the hospital after I started coughing up blood. He was quite put out to realize that I didn’t want his tongue in my mouth so soon after such a harrowing experience. Let’s just say, I put the kibosh on that relationship right quick.

Illness Legitimately Scares Some People
Some people really are scared of illness and anything medical. There is not much you can do to fix this. I’m sure there are individuals willing to work around any fears they may have, but I’m not sure how pleasant it would be for either party. For example, I access my own port once a month with a special needle. It’s not a frequent occurrence, so even if my partner was squeamish, it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. It would be a more serious issue, perhaps, if someone with a severe needle phobia was dating a diabetic that required insulin shots every day.

Transparency, Privacy, and Shame
Having a partner on the same page regarding how transparent you are about your illness is very important. As I mentioned before, everyone in my life knows about my illness. It’s not a secret. I was the Great Strides Walk Ambassador in my hometown during high school and had my face and my story plastered on the front of a magazine. I was a guest speaker all four years of my undergraduate career at Queen’s University for their annual Shinerama fundraiser. Each year I talked to 2,000 incoming freshmen about my disease. So, yeah, I’m pretty transparent. To then date a guy who refused to tell anyone he knew about my illness—He didn’t tell his friends. He didn’t tell his family. No one.—was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. He told me he was trying to protect my privacy, because he felt like it was “my personal business.” Well, it was my personal business to tell everyone, so his logic didn’t make sense. In reality, he was ashamed of my illness. He was ashamed of me. And he made me ashamed of myself.

The Hero Complex
I boomeranged from a relationship with #Ashamed into one in which the next guy was determined to “save” me. I’m sorry, honey, but nothing you or I do is ever going to cure me, so it’s futile to try. And, quite frankly, it’s insulting that you want to “fix” me. The worried looks he’d shoot my way and his need to consolingly touch me whenever I coughed went from mildly annoying to rage-inducing by the time that relationship too fizzled out. I cough every day of my life. Loud, hacking coughs. But, unless I tell you something is wrong or that I need help, don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Or, I will be as soon as you stop touching me and let me cough up this glob of green slime caught in my throat.

Being A Different Type of “High Maintenance”
Everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship, but mine is a little heavier and more serious than most girls my age, I think. My day to day routine involves rounds of pills and medical treatments. Spontaneous is something I can never truly be. If you want to plan an overnight trip as a surprise for us, I’ll need several hours to pack and have to make sure I have enough supplies to last me however long we are gone. Also, are we driving? Are we flying? Am I going to have to convince the TSA agent that my therapy vest isn’t explosive for the umpteenth time, or do I have to try and fit 8 bags in the trunk of your car? Oh… you want me to just come over to your place for the night. Do you think your roommates will mind the sound of my oxygen concentrator pounding away all night? If not, we’re good.

Being Realistic About Disease Progression and Mortality
I have yet to experience this aspect of dating with Cystic Fibrosis because none of my relationships have ever gotten serious enough—or lasted long enough—for this to become an issue. However, that might speak for itself. My disease is progressive, ultimately fatal, and although no one knows how long any of us have, I am more starkly aware of my own mortality than the average 24 year old. I’m lucky to be as old as I am. With the advancements in medical technology and innovation, I may live another 30 years. But, I might not last another 5. I sometimes wonder if my partners are afraid to love me, because they won’t be able to handle it if I die. Will they allow themselves to fall for me?

All I want is to be in a relationship with someone who understands that Cystic Fibrosis is just one facet of my being. It’s just one of the many idiosyncrasies that make up Rachel. You’ll have to learn to take it in stride, alongside my minor obsession with dragons and my addiction to Dr. Pepper. If you can do that, then we’re off to a great start.

And remember, take it one breath at a time.

HEADER IMAGE “LOVE” COURTESY OF Johnny Lai @ FLICKR.COM